Editorial Team Note: This is the start of our Pioneer Press’s satirical/comedy column named “Cabin Conversations.” The goal of this column is meant to bring laughs and commentary on life at JA. We hope you enjoy our newest addition to our publication!

Spotify Wrapped–AKA the ultimate test of your personality and the bane of all Apple Music users existences–was released on November 30th. While you’re clicking through Instagram and Snapchat stories, you are likely judging everyone else’s results as they appear. 

But even if you think you have the most correct opinions about everyone else’s results, you are wrong. You’re biased because you think your Spotify Wrapped is so aesthetic and perfect. I, however, don’t have Spotify, making me the ideal third-party to judge everyone else. 

So if you need someone to be your guide through the mass of Wrapped results (and also make you feel embarrassed of your poor music taste), then look no further. I am here to tell you exactly what your Spotify Wrapped says about you.

If you had Harry Styles, Taylor Swift, and/or other top 40 singers in your top artists:

This one will probably ruffle some feathers, but I think for the most part what I’m about to say is pretty obvious: you’re basic. 

But that’s okay! Just because you’re listening to the most popular people right now does not mean you’re a bad person or anything. It just means everyone who knows you knows what they’re going to get from you: average. There’s nothing wrong with predictability.

If you had Nirvana and/or Metallica in your top artists:

You’re also basic, but you don’t think you are. For some reason, you seem to think listening to the two biggest bands in their respective genres makes you cooler and unique, which would be true if there weren’t millions of other people just like you.

Also, you definitely used to run–or still do run–a Kurt Cobain fan account and regularly say you “miss him” despite having not been born when he was alive.

If rap was your top genre:

Wow, another basic person! I’m sure you don’t think you’re basic because you discovered your favorite rapper first, or they’re completely different from everyone else in the music industry, but you are basic. Accept it and move on.

If you had Phoebe Bridgers, Ethel Cain, and/or Lana Del Rey in your top artists:

I would ask if you’re okay, but we both know the answer to that question is no. Please stop listening to the last minute of “Scott Street” and try to take some deep breaths. 

BTW, if you say “Lana Del Rey Vinyl” to describe something one more time, you are going to lose all of your friends.

If you had “Showtunes” as your top genre:

We get it, you love to sing. Just please stop bursting into song and then looking eagerly at the people around you. We are not going to give you compliments because A: we are uncomfortable and B: we don’t know how to tell you your impulse-rendition of “Anything Goes” is mediocre at best.

If you had The Smiths, Radiohead, and/or Elliot Smith in your top artists:

The simple truth is you are a pick-me. You somehow manage to make this music your entire personality and your life revolves around you rationalizing giving money to Morrissey. 

Now, a lot of my friends listen to these artists, so I almost feel bad generalizing the people who listen to these artists, but it needs to be said. You’re not “reclaiming” these artists from “male manipulators,” you’re just annoying.

If metal–or any subgenre of metal–was your top genre:

While you were talking over-enthusiastically about the up-and-coming technical blackened thrash deathcore crossover band, the rest of us were avoiding eye contact and wishing you would take a shower. 

Also, stop throwing around “mainstream” and “underground.” You barely know what those words mean and everyone can tell you’re just repeating the same thing you read in a post on r/metalheadsunited. 

If you had Mistski, Bjork, and/or any unconventional tries-to-be-a-robot-influencer/cursive singers in your top artists:

You are insufferable. Every time you try to make a joke, I lose another brain cell. Stop posting hyper-self-focused life updates on your Close Friends story on Instagram, your Affluenza is showing. Every part of me wants to tell you that you are chronically online and have no social abilities, but you can’t process anything that isn’t in either a meme format or a 10 second video with a voice filter.

If you had Luke Bryan, Morgan Wallen, and/or back 40 BFE singers in your top artists:

You’ve found your home here at Jonathan Alder, and it really shows. While you enjoy listening to an auto-tuned wannabe cowboy country star loudly through your headphones imagining you’re burning rubber in your beefed Toyota Tundra, everyone around you is bracing themselves for a deeply offensive joke. 

I would hate to say you’ve peaked in high school, but good luck in whatever your next steps may be. 

If you had The Beatles, The Beach Boys, or any other “oldies” in your top artists:

You just want attention and no one wants to give it to you. You prepare all year just for Spotify Wrapped day, just to tell people your top artist was The Doors. Please do everyone a favor and listen to music you actually like and stop being pretentious.

Conclusion

I hope I did not lose any friends in the production of this article, but chances are I’ve lost at least one. Readers, please don’t take too much offense to this; I do not think I targeted one genre or artist over others. 

Additionally, feel free to use anything I said in this article against me and my top artists. I will laugh and then feel bad about myself later (kidding!).